So it's a Saturday night
and I really had a strong thirst for alcohol tonight. However, my friends are
much more studious and well behaved and therefore the idea of going out was
swiftly brushed aside. Now here I am, alone, and left to my own thoughts and devices,
my fake tan is drying in and the fumes (a distinct mix of dried in cats pee and
mustiness) are sending me into a mild state of The Fear.
I assume you are all
aware of what The Fear is. If, however, you live under a rock here is what
Urban Dictionary defines The Fear as:
·
"The Fear"
is the sense that you have done yourself some lasting damage after a night of
drinking. It's symptoms are:
- A feeling that you are going to die soon (and not just due to other hangover
symptoms);
- A sense that people or organizations are out to get you;
- Angst that you may have offended, inappropriately touched or physically
attacked someone the night before;
- Foreboding about the next time you meet the people or return to the bar where
you degraded yourself the previous night.
The fear is often accompanied by "The Remorse" where you are also
genuinely ashamed and sorry for the way you have behaved, as well as simply
frightened for the sake of your own wellbeing.
Concerned Friend:
"How are you feeling after last night?"
Sufferer: "I am riddled with The Fear. And cat AIDS."
As I have now been a
whole week without alcohol (an amazing feat I know), clearly my fear is not
induced by alcohol. In my case, as I am left to my own thoughts, I recall times
of embarrassment. Times where I have been drunk and have behaved in a laughable
manner or indeed times when I have been sober and simply have behaved as myself
and made a giant TIT out of myself.
So for some bizarre
reason I have decided to tell you all three stories of woe. Three times when I
have truly stuck my foot in the bucket of shite and made a fool of
myself.
*no idea why i used this meme. I just thought it was funny.
1. Intoxicated
It kind of hurts my
feelings when people tell me they haven't been to Coppers. I don't care how
hip, trendy or alt you claim to be or how much you detest cheesy pop music, GAA
jerseys and overpriced drink, you need to visit Coppers at least ONCE in your
life.
So obviously my first
tale of embarrassment occurred in Coppers. Let me warn you, if you think you
make a shite of yourself in normal clubs or you know, have the one that's one
too many, then in Coppers you can pretty much be assured that you will most
certainly do something to humiliate yourself at some stage in here.
I reckon it was about
a year ago when I was up in Dublin for my friend's birthday and obviously
enough I was capsized in alcohol and wearing heels that were definitely too
high for the levels of alcohol in my system. With that ratio already imbalanced
(like me) there was sure to be danger ahead. So there I was, thinking I was
shit hot, walking (stumbling) from the top floor to the bottom when I reached
the stairs. Now, managing the stairs in heels is difficult enough sober, so you
can imagine where this story is going.
From what I remember,
I was counting my steps mentally as I made my way down. This is a tactic I use
when manoeuvring stairs when drinking as I feel I concentrate more on my
footwork and lessen my chances of falling. Tonight that would not work. Off I
went, arse over tits, flying into the air and landed at the bottom of the
stairs with my top, firmly placed over my head, torso, tits, the lot, all on
show for the whole of coppers to see. Oh and I lost one of my shoes. Yep.
2. Sober
Now many of you will
wonder, "Why in the good name of Christ is she telling people this??” for
my next delightful story. This story is one of those things where, yes you are
completely mortified but the story is so funny that you will get over the
mortification in order to let other people share in the joy of it.
This incident occurred
in second year of secondary school. I was in pass Maths (numbers and I have
never worked well together) and it was actually one of my favourite classes to
go to, for the craic, not for the learning. Anyhoo, we mostly spent our time
acting the maggot and wrecking our poor teachers head, and she would always
threaten us with 'I'll send ye back to where ye came from!!" (I.e. Honours
Maths).
So one day she
again threatened us with eviction and through some means of a fellow classmate
making a joke about it, myself and my friend Sinead got kicked out of the class
for laughing hysterically. Outside the lab door we counted the bricks on the
wall in order to stop ourselves from laughing out loud and when class was over
she called ninety percent of the class back, including ourselves, to give out
stink to us. While she gave out I was so concentrated on not laughing in her
face that I can only recall the last words she said "And that will put the
wind up ye'r skirts!!" and with that I emitted gas. Loudly. Yes, I
farted.
To which she replied
"Not literally!!!!!!"
3. Sober
My last story happened
most recently. As you are probably all aware, I am now in college in DIT in
Dublin. One day in between lectures I needed to pass urine. As one usually does
in a situation such as this, I made my way to the toilets. In this case you
need to walk in a main door and then based on whether you are a boy or a girl
you pick the appropriate door to enter. Off I went, into the bathroom that I
thought was designated for girls. It was empty and I recall finding it peculiar
that it only had two cubicles in it. Sitting down in the cubical I questioned
where the sanitary bin was. (I actually thought these exact words: “Where the
fuck is the fanny bad bin? What a fucking shit hole college, doesn’t even
provided bins for tampons”.)
I could hear someone
outside the cubical door and even at this stage I was still perfectly oblivious
to the fact that I was indeed, in the men’s toilets. Out I pop from the cubical
to be greeted by an EXTREMELY good looking guy pissing into a urinal. (OMG JUST
THINKING BACK MAKES ME CRINGE.) I actually had the fucking audacity to ask him
a loud was this not the girl’s toilets. AS HE PEED INTO A URINAL? I even stayed
to wash my hands because in fairness, it only would have made it worse if I
looked unhygienic as well as a fucking lunatic.
Anyone have
any good embarrassing stories to share? LOL
